REMEMBER WHEN LANE: A PAGE IN A DIARY

I met up with my ex from high school last weekend. Its funny what they say, ” the more things change, the more they stay the same.” It was like being in a time capsule, minus the fact that my ex is now divorced with a 10 year old son. We “remember when’d ” a little but mostly just kept it cerebral in conversation.

The time spend with him was a bit of mirror for myself. Have I changed? The core part of me, says no. I’m still the girl who 100% lives her life on her own terms, no apologies. In that way, I am not ashamed to admit that sometimes, I miss my ex-husband. The life that could have been if I stuck it out. If I took his company’s offer, and we moved to Switzerland. Would that have forced us to get through that really rough patch in our marriage? Would we be living in European bliss?

I look at the spice rack/tea box he made for me that hangs in my tiny apt, and I can remember how artistic he was with his hands – cooking, woodworking, electrical and in the bedroom. I think about that warm summer day, when we were living in WV, spending the entire day in bed, naked. In the short 7 years we were together, I can’t remember a sexier day when I felt closer to him. Intimacy on all five legs. I can’t count the times that he was inside of me that day. Over and over and over. The night before our wedding, making all of those chocolate chip cookies together, for the wedding guests. These giants tubs of cookie dough! It’s funny, the memories we hold on to.

Regret is a Strong Word.

Do I regret saying no to Switzerland? Regret is a strong word. Ultimately, life on my terms mattered more. I guess that’s youth and arrogance. There was a nagging feeling that I was doing him a disservice too. That with someone else it could be easier.

The irony of that is when you do find that love, when you find that someone who not only opens your heart, but opens your soul, jumping in without caring where the current will take you, no fear, it isn’t guaranteed to work out either.

It’s a risk taken. Our romantic relationships are one area where, for me at least, the reward is a complete after thought.

Life is a Maze with so Many Outcomes. Its Not Life its You.

You’ve heard before or read on a t-shirt. The “what if’s” and “remember when’s.” It’s been said its the lowest form of conversation. I don’t disagree. However, when looking in the rearview mirror, which may be small, allows us to focus and act as a catalyst to future decisions.

We aren’t defined by what we do, who we fuck or marry. Our experiences are merely a navigational tool.

Stay in the present but don’t be afraid to jump into that space/time continuum, finding yourself learning and living the past in the present.