THIS IS ME. THIS IS US. AN UNRENDERING.

“I’m afraid that you’ll never understand me fully, and because of that, sometimes you’ll be frightened, disgusted, annoyed, or pleased.”

Jack Kerouac

This is me. This is us. We all have the dark and light. The beautiful and ugly. Hard and soft. We play up what works and hide what doesn’t. However, openness gives way to the peeking of it all.

It’s Hard to Hide Yourself From Yourself.

A great relationship begins and ends with the individual. Me. You. The “I” before the “us.” As we grow to understand more of who we are, it doesn’t mean that we are perfected. Perhaps it means we are just more comfortable or just more tolerant. Now, whether the rest of the world recognizes and understands that is a different story.

The Wild Horse That Couldn’t Be Tamed.

My ex-husband recognized me as the wild horse that couldn’t be tamed. He said that to me on more than one occasion. I’ve thought about that through the years. The irony was that he accepted me, tried to understand me. He did it in earnest. I didn’t want him. His acceptance wasn’t enough. Call it a youthful mistake but he was the wrong partner. Consequently, he is much happier now, I think.

I read Kerouac’s words and there was a part of me that was proud of being so untamed. I was aggravated by my ex-husband’s lack of understanding but acceptance. How lazy. That sounds a bit immature and self-righteous, I know. However, I believe there is a moment in every marriage where people can make the pivot and exit or they stay. There is a reckoning of oneself and the idea that there is something “more, ” something bigger. Is it enough if even your closest partner may never “get” you? Is that acceptance enough? Is it merely a milestone of tolerance?

Relationship synergy – the idea that what you are creating together is greater than you as individuals – good, bad, ugly. We endure the difficult because it makes us appreciate the sweet moments…or so we say. We stay because we believe we are better together, we espouse the notion of relationship synergy. It comforts us when we have doubts.

I chose the unknown. Alone.

The Mirage of The Better You. Ignorance is Bliss?

Kerouac could have been looking at the mirror. We strive to know ourselves deeply. In fact, the most vital relationship, is the one we have with ourselves. Let us be frightened, annoyed, disgusted and pleased with ourselves first…or not.

Acceptance, tolerance, faith are all choices. How we live is up to us.