note:  this is an intense and very personal read.  Reading time:  3 minutes 3 seconds.

The notion the “grass is always greener” is one of the truest and oldest cliches.  We love to use it when giving advice or in reflecting on decisions.  It is especially true in relationships.

The mistress and the cheater.

I have been on both sides of the equation.   When I was married, I cheated on my husband.  We were together for 7 years and it took place in the last year of our marriage.  He trusted me so much that I had to force his hand, deliberately allowing myself to get caught.  At this point the affair had been over for months (the guy I was cheating with was also married and a fellow commuter from NJ to NYC).    I remember the conversation as if it was yesterday.   The end result was divorce, which was what I pushed for as I refused counseling.

Since then, I have been the mistress several times.  I’ve been in a long term power exchange affair, the long distance affair and the client turned love affair.

You can say that with all of this experience, I’ve done and seen it all as it relates intimacy, sex and relationships.

An affair is about obtaining emotional  sovereignty.

The details of each of my affairs had varying degrees of salaciousness.    Affairs, after all, are attractive for their juice and secrecy.  It is ironic that when I look back fondly on those hot experiences, what is more memorable are the moments in between the sex.

I know the reason why people get so deeply entrenched in an affair is because it exists on its own terms.  A step is removed from the reality of life.   It begins, usually based on  sexually motivation.  At least this is wha it feels like.   However, you quickly realize its deeper than that as your blind spots reveal themselves.

In my case, it wasn’t about wanting to be with someone else.  It was my own fear.  When I was the married cheater, I realized I was too young to be married and my husband and I wanted completely different things as we both matured emotionally.  I wanted to pursue entrepreneurial endeavors and he was risk averse.  People change.  we have choices.

It’s not about the grass being greener, it’s about how you maintain it.

While the excitement of an affair bubbles and then wanes, one thing remains, bare vulnerability and the reason that drew you into it.  You can lean into it, examine it and  move forward accordingly or you can go back to life as you know it.

The affair I had on my husband was never serious but it made me realize that I would be doing him a disservice by agreeing to counseling bc in my heart I knew better.  I talk to many people who say they never left because of the kids, but that is a convenient excuse. I’m not judging.  We tend think in group mentality, and society says its better to sacrifice happiness for contentment so as not to disrupt the family unit.  The real issue is moving through life, the unknown, without a partner.  What children need to see is parents that feel fulfilled with their lives, both together and apart.

This lack of emotional sovereignty,  the belief that you “:stick it out” because it is the right thing to do, essentially going against your instinct,.  It is the catalyst for escapism.   In doses this can certainly be good for the soul, but acknowledging the full bloom of your instincts and inner self will give you the true power to live life on your terms.

Whatever path you choose, know that the accountability begins and ends with you.  You create the landscape of emotions and behaviors that make your life.

Music mood:  Delta Spirit “devil knows your dead”

Neurally yours,

the landscaper xo