It is a new year. A new decade. I look back on my last 10 years and what a journey it has been. In 2009, I was in a corporate career that was draining me. I had designed my exit so I knew the end was near. The remaining years of the decade, brought once-in-a-lifetime experiences and amazing connections. My life was not a secret. I dated, I fucked. I became a mistress. I found the world of power exchange. I fell in love and had my heart broken. Of course, as a reader of my diary, you know all of this.
A decade of debauchery.
It is the most succinct way to describe the time. I explored every pore, every neuron, dissected my emotions, until the mass of me were dust particles blowing in the wind. I pushed my limits and developed a narrative that was so far from the norm. I was the vanilla person’s beta test for kink and a salacious world that most just fantasized about.
Mercurial times make lasting impressions on character.
And mercurial they were. The more I explored, the wilder the swings of emotion, as I educated myself in real time. I was hungry for the knowledge. Hungry to feel. It was like one of those wooden Matryoshka dolls that you open and find another, and another and another, until you are left with the tiniest of tiny version of the doll. Then you are left thinking, “now what?”
The experiences don’t matter as much as what I derived from them. An introspective time that called for extreme extroversion in order to satisfy any lingering curiosities.
Then one day, the hunger is gone. The curiosity is satiated. Ten years of a life that for most would be a Showtime drama. My story no longer needed a semi-colon or comma. A bold period sufficed. The menagerie of experiences had found their way into the soul of my character but only in fragments.
Thank goodness for elastic emotions.
If there is one takeaway from the last decade and even the decade before that, is that experiences do not define our character, they are merely a byproduct. Emotions are malleable and elastic. In that way, they are unstable. They can stretch far beyond what we think is possible and find their perfect form again. The ability to persevere, have faith in what we can’t control and trust in our ability in what we can, is what truly defines our character. How we react to our experiences and situations will always be imperfect and up for evaluation but the good thing is that they are elastic…
Music mood: Alice in Chains ” Man in a box”
the rubber band xo