When I write, sometimes I immediately start in on the story I want to tell without having a title. In the moment, I am feeling something and I want to share it, even if I can’t pinpoint the appropriate way to title it.
This is one of the moments.
I met someone several months ago. We shared a moment and that moment turned into daily conversations, thoughts and sentiment being shared. It was both abstract and personal. The ambiguity of it all was exciting and so was the attention. I wasn’t in love. I wasn’t even necessarily in like. I was definitely curious.
There was definitely a sexual thrill. I enjoy being greeted every day by a text ” beautiful girl…” Can you blame me? lol
Curiosity killed the cat for a reason.
I was searching for something. A rationalization? A feeling of normalcy? The irony was that I was ignoring the blind spot, which is often the most important part in one’s line of sight. I focused on the positive even though I always felt something was off. He lured me in with his different background and outlook on life, yet it was that same lure that made me realize how wrong it was.
In a moment, I understood why some prefer the happiness of consistency to the unpredictability of the unknown. The plan takes priority.
Like in The Alchemist, the universe challenged me.
What I wanted and what I needed were at odds but I didn’t know it or maybe I did and I just ignored it. We choose to see what we want because we don’t want to deviate from the plan. The fall sense of security matters. Yet, sometimes the decisions are made for us, the needle moves and forces the hand.
I trusted that decision and I am much happier for it. There are no regrets. Only lessons.
What did I learn?
We all are just looking to feel something. We want to wanted. We want intimacy. We want someone to appreciate our passion and feel it too. We want to be genuinely appreciated and not taken for granted. These things seem simple and yet as we evolve, we put emotional safeguards in place to hedge because we know it’s just not that simple.
I wanted the same. Yet, in my search for it I ended up feeling used. In fact, what I had felt artificial, almost deceptive. It made me realize just how special the people around me are in my life. That we choose each other and as untraditional as it can appear, on a deeper level there is a vulnerability and honesty that takes courage and strength to maintain….and a sense of humor.
Luckily, I learned, in the nick of time.
Music mood: Calexico ” Follow the Water”
“beautiful girl” xo