I was in DC over the weekend and had lunch with my ex. This was the 2nd time since we broke up that we met for lunch. The funny thing was that after both lunches, I left feel unsatisfied, scratching my head as to why I bothered opening that door again in the first place.
Whenever I am trying to understand my feelings, I look up the origin of the word that best describes the situation. The etymology of the word ex means “out of.” Well I can say with confidence that I was out of reasons to be his friend.
In the spirit of privacy, I will skip over some of the background details. After being together for a little over a year, we ended things and I thought at the time my heart was broken. Like all great love affairs, this one was no different, tumultuous, deep, passionate and eye-opening. Afterwards, the rationality set in and I realized that I didn’t love him, I was merely in love with the power I had over him. What a revelation. I was in love with the fact that I had was his mentor, that I evoked and awakened a side of him that was dormant. I pushed him to enlighten his mind. I even inadvertently, introduced him to his new girlfriend. My ability to read people and be 5 steps ahead was a blessing and a curse. I knew it was over way before it was but my ego cast a shadow on that clarity that comes from seeing things as they really are.
It is hard to grow if you aren’t challenged in some way. Familiarity breeds complacency after all. Everything has a shelf life. In this case, I realized that you can’t retrofit intimacy and that sometimes desire to want something to come to be, in this case a genuine friendship, has other forces preventing it for good reason.
Its time to check the “x”.
Music mood – ” Making Plans” – Above and Beyond