The other day I had lunch with a close friend who is a brilliant architect.   He also happens to be a collared slave.  We met a few years ago and our bond not only as slaves but as individuals has evolved over the core of our individual experiences.  It is ironic that we started at almost the same place but are now at opposite ends of the spectrum – he is moving towards 24/7 enslavement and I am looking for something more “recreational”. It got me thinking about the integrity of my submissive nature.

When I began my journey, I believed that submission was for those interested in the “diet” version of power exchange.  I realize how wrong I was.  Submissive is the act of surrender.  Slavery is a lifestyle. 4.5 years ago,  being new, all I cared about was 24/7 slavery or nothing.  I met a man who wanted that and even thought he couldn’t give me 100%, I didn’t care, I was all in.  It was easy for me to do all the ” big” things he required, everything from changing my looks on demand to sexual tasks.  However, as our relationship evolved, I found it increasingly difficult to be patient, disciplined and obedient with him.  In short, while doing the “tasks” were great if I failed on the fundamentals, it was a reflection of my integrity and our relationship eventually disintegrated as a result.  It took me until about a month ago,  for the reason I lacked integrity, to crystalize.   I just couldn’t deliver what he wanted.  I didn’t have it in me.  I was so so focused on pleasing him because I wanted to make him happy that I lost sight of the 50,000 foot view.  I wanted to so badly to get there, to live within his expectations, which, even he admitted were extremely strict.

In this situation I sacrificed and compromised my integrity to please blindly and this does not a slave or a submissive make. I realize now that my inner-strength as a slave/submissive doesn’t come from obedience and discipline, it comes from understanding the truth about yourself.   The submissive I was 3 years ago is not the same person I am today, my integrity has not changed. A Master is only as strong as his slave.  We often talk about the act of “surrender” and what that means?  The truth is you can only surrender to yourself and the clarity and will of your own-being.  At that point, your openness allows powerful things to happen.

I understand this may seem obtuse when put in a “kinky” context, especially if you have little interest in this world. I realize, as I slowly acclimate myself back into the “vanilla” world , while situations may be different the fundamentals remain the same.  I have noticed a difference as I employ the same fundamentals through this transition, which is alot  more stressful than I ever imagined it would be.  These fundamentals truths that I learned, are what are helping me get through a v. arduous and tough period in my life

There is a pocket of happiness and pleasure that exists for me.   Patience is the key.

24/7 p/e, slave, single, submissive, pet, Master, Dominant, slut….  Whatever your “role” don’t get hung up in the persona. Enjoy the journey and keep the paths open because you never know where they will take you.

Music mood:  Lana Del Rey – “without you”

yours truly,

your kinky courtesan xx