I recently read a “Freshly Pressed” post that encouraged me to talk about a pivotal relationship in my life.  One that, ultimately lead me to the one I live now, indirectly.  I share with you only because I do believe that we can all learn from each other.  I know I have learned so much from taking in the stories and experiences of others.

In 2007, I met a Korean man, named D.  He was going through a divorce and I was 2 years over mine.  It was the one time in my life where I was swept off my feet by a gentleman.  We had so many adventures together – winter in the Hamptons, staycations at the Gramercy Park Hotel, weekend trip to beach, dinners in K-town followed by drunken karaoke….He traveled the world for work and it demanded long hours of him.  I was working in advertising at the time, so I would come by late at night and we would dance in his office to Frank Sinatra and eat take-out.  I never met anyone so open to life.

D. encouraged me to be an entrepreneur.  He saw all sides of me and laughed at them.  I loved that about him.  He pushed me to be personal with people and to always make connection.  When I went to South America on a 10-day wine tour, D. made sure I met his fabulous Argentinean friends. They were amazing.  It was sad that only a year later the conversation I was having with them was much different in tone.

D. realized though on that trip something had changed in me.  I had some v. erotic sexual experiences on that trip on a v. well-known Chilean vineyard, that made me realize how much I missed the open sexual life I led pre-D.  Yes, D. was open but he expected me to be completely faithful and loyal to him, a double standard.  Things weren’t the same between us after that trip.

Six months later and trying to be gentle with one another..after a bit of space, I sent him a text saying that I missed him.. No response.  That night, I received some news that would change my life forever.  D. didn’t respond because he died of massive heart attack that day.

I’ve lost grandparents and extended family members but never a lover.  The pain was so unbearable for so long.  I felt like I had experienced his heart attack. His best friend confessed afterwards that D had wanted to marry me once he got his affairs in order.   It was worse, having to take a call from his estranged wife and reassure that he did love and respect her. I had to break the news to his business associate, also a mutual friend, who he was meeting the next day for a conference.  I seemed to be the one helping everyone through their grief but who was helping me?   Then I realized that I was missing the opportunity in this challenge.

Losing anyone you care about is hard.  It doesn’t matter how or what, or when. However, it is important to find the positivity in the grief.  I have wonderful friendships now thanks to D.  I have a more open, honest attitude towards life thanks to D.  I met my former Master who took me on my next journey, all thanks to D.  It doesn’t diminish what we had.  In fact, it is the best reminder of it.

Its about finding that poppy in the field of brush.

yours truly,

your kinky courtesan xx